As You Wish

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

It's felt like an eternity since I left Uganda at the end of August in 2009, but as I'm making lists of what not to forget, charging camera batteries and packing my long skirts and keens, I'm amazed that on Friday I'll be there.  As I think about the weeks ahead, my mind wonders back, down a red dirt path on the shores of Lake Victoria over a year ago. Wide awake at 4am, watching a storm roll over the lake, I wrestled with the reality that it was time to go home. As much as I wanted to stay, it was time to leave. In those moments, watching the lightning illuminate the thunderheads with rain pouring down, I knew that as much as I wanted to come back, I would only go in God's timing. I'm sure I could formulate and organize a trip in my own strength, but "unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain."

Thinking back over the events that have taken place since then, a lot has changed - graduation from Taylor, moving across the country, working, friends getting married, friends moving away, letting some people go and holding more tightly to others. Preparing to leave again brings back the memories of who stood with me the first time I was leaving, who encouraged, who prayed, who gave of themselves, and who welcomed me home. I'm overwhelmed by the blessings of friendship-both in Uganda and at home. In the months that came after I returned, I tried to summarize the months, the friendships, the harsh statistics that had become names and faces, I tried to fit them into my worldview and make sense of everything, but of course you cannot package seasons of life, rather you must grow with them and weave them into the story of who you are. I'm just grateful for the people who stood by me faithfully, painfully patient, who let me grow, change, and even let me go.

There were a number of challenges that arose and seemingly prevented me from taking this next trip - everything from time off of work, to finances, to the mission. Sifting through these, I'm astounded by the way God has moved each piece into place and each obstacle he has carved a path through. I'm actually very thankful for the seemingly impossible things that could have held me back - because through them I've watched God work. I know that it is nothing that I have done to make all this come together. All of this makes me wonder "Why me? Why now? What do You have planned God?"

I'm working to lay aside the temptation to make this about me - to be caught up in the adventure, the stories, or to overemphasis the photos and media that I hope to create, to prove myself worthy, or to search for the fulfillment and identity that is so easy to place in what I do, rather than Whose I am.

These are humbling, frightening things to write and to admit, but I think naming our fears and looking at them in plain light takes a lot of power from them. So today, as I finish my lists only to forget them, as I lay aside my normal life for a short time, I admit that I'm human and I fail. I have limited skills and limited abilities and more often then not I make mistakes. My camera could break, my bags could be lost, I may not do a thing that was planned, but as long as I'm loving, as long as I'm coming to my Father each morning with open hands, willing to do and accept whatever He presents for the day, then it's not failure. The pressures and expectations of others that feel so burdensome and overwhelming are brought into perspective as I take hold of my identity as the Beloved of the Father, the one who gives and takes away, the Provider, Sustainer, the only one worth chasing after. As anxiety and stress and pressure creep into my mind about work, friends, family, identity and worth...I remember that the Lord our God is Mighty, he is our solid Rock, our foundation, our Sovereignty. So this is Yours, to do with as You wish.