humbling confessions

For about a year I've poured my energy and passion into my job. I had high hopes when I started - working in the Creative Development Dept of a global relief and development organization, surrounded by creative people, at the heart ideas combining with talent, media, photography, writing, film...so close to the exactly job I always dreamed of. My desire for years has been to use photography to communicate God's love for his people - not just to the viewer, but rather to the one being photographed. To bring them dignity and remind them that they are valuable. To shed light on the forgotten and tell the story of the silenced. It was this passion that I attempted to articulate July 17th of 2008 while sitting in a coffee shop in Madison WI.  Dreams, frustrations, fears, hopes and questions poured from somewhere that proclaimed I was created for a purpose. It's the voice that comes from outside of us but is entwined inseparably with the deepest desires in every human soul. We all desire something worth waking up for, a mission, a calling, something that sets us apart as unique, special, meaningful. Sadly, in so many this voice has faded. Opposition, failures, set backs, a lost job, a lost love, loneliness, the daily wear of life slowly fades this passion and leave us hollow, numb, even bored.

Maybe it's arrogant, but a tiny corner of me has always clung to the belief that I was unique, created for some great purpose. I distinctly remember a Wednesday morning sitting in chapel at Taylor University, my junior year of college asking God for More. I didn't know what that even meant, I just wanted more of something - more then what I'd settled for, more then I could dream up...more life - maybe more of Him?

Armed with a dream and a prayer, the next few years were nothing like I could have dreamed up. Traveling to Uganda God broke my heart for some of the things that break His, and simultaneously spoke the unshakable, undeniable truth of how deeply He loves the vulnerable people of this world, the children of Kyoya, Katonga, Lingira, the desperate, forgotten women of the IDP camps, those with AIDS, the prisoner, the drug addict, the prostitute, and yes, even those who committed unspeakable atrocities - He is desperately, completely in love with them all.

He surrounded me with patient, wise friends to help me fight my battles. He faithfully lead me to a place I'd never been in pursuit of community. He provided a home and a family in Oregon who demonstrated to me God's heart for marriage and family and how He loves and values it. He provided for my every need and I have never gone hungry or unsheltered or been truly alone. He brought me to an organization of over 2,000 people around the world risk their lives daily to help their neighbors. I learned stories of the church around the world actually acting as the church should - caring for their sick neighbors, taking in orphans and praying with authority for one another.

But in all this, I lost my first love. You see, I got caught up in the works and forgot about the relationship...I put my hope in people of authority and influence, forgetting that it is God who gives opportunity and it is He who gives good things. I plunged headlong into the work, the schedule and check list, forgoing so many mornings of prayer and conversation with my Heavenly Father. My love for Him and others dried up, replaced by ugly bitterness from disappointments.

It's incredibly humbling to write this. Let me warn you that it is dangerous to articulate your darkest secrets because you may be found out...but I believed that if I cannot be honest with myself, how will I ever be honest with others? So here I am, being brutally honest with myself. I know I don't have to put this out for all the world to see...but perhaps someone out there may benefit from it too. Maybe you can even relate. It is frightening to be transparent, but believe me when I tell you that there's something beautiful and freeing in facing your failures head on, admitting mistakes, taking responsibility and confessing them.

My job recently ended, our department is being moved across the country to the east coast...I'm a west coaster. I admit that I've gone through phases of frustration, ugly bitterness, brokenness and fear. But stepping back from it all, I can clearly trace the path of God's faithfulness and sovereignty in my life. He has never let me go, even in my unfaithfulness. Even when I've chosen everything but Him. I don't understand Grace...I probably never will, but I am so thankful for it. So as this new season begins, I'm praying for an open heart; I'm praying for simplicity and for obedience. I'm praying for God to bring good work for me to do. Who knows, maybe I'll have more time to put into photography - that would be wonderful!

1 Thessalonians 4:11 comes to mind where it says,
"Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you."

How refreshing!

It's still humbling and hard to watch others be given the opportunities I so deeply want, it's frustrating to accept that everything I've been working for seemingly ended. But it's undeniable that God has never failed me and He never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to change the world...but maybe, just maybe, I may be privileged to help change someone's world.